Ex and i separated when i was pg after a four year relationship.
Basically, the last two and a half years have been a catalog of non payments, erratic contacts, and general bad behaviour from him. I have always encouraged contacts and never pursued money through CSA when he was working full time and only paying £40 a month for the last 12months.
Things have become really difficult recently. We have been arguing over money as what he is now offering to pay deducts £50 a month i will never see and that he claims will be spent on petrol costs to maintain contact and gifts. He is certainly making a profit of £20 a month out of this on petrol costs alone. He has also decided to have six unsupervised contacts a year out of the blue - total hours he has seen her is nine in two and a half years.
Today i went to see a solicitor. She advised to phone the CSA to ensure fair payments from now on. I offered 6 contacts as he requested, but said i wanted the first couple to occur at his parents house.
He has now said he is withholding all contact on the basis of 'financial hardship' - that he cannot afford to drive to see her when he is paying me the money. He has also dragged his parents into it and his mother text me to say that they feel they are now 'unable' to see our daughter. Daughter has a great relationship with them and will be heartbroken.
I cannot trust him and if i phone the CSA and stop them chasing payments i feel like he will have gotten his way and i will have to cave to his demands which i feel are unfair and unreasonable. It has taken me a long time to find the courage to stand up to him and say that what he is doing is wrong, financially and morally.
Daughter will suffer either way.
Please help, i really do not know what to do.
We are in UK.
Answer by KAY
If he really was a decent human being and a good father, he wouldn't stop visiting his daughter just to save a few bucks.
Point blank.
Do what you have to do to make sure your daughter is taken care of. Tell his parents that you have no problem with them having contact with her, but you are done footing the bill for a large majority of the expenses when it's his child too.
Best of luck!
Answer by maccrew6
He is just using the "boo hoo poor me" act to try and punish you... If he is so petty that he says he can't see the child, simply say.."all right then, call when you can" and hang up........ Watch how fast his childish pouting ends.
Answer by K
"I have always encouraged contacts...I offered 6 contacts as he requested, but said i wanted the first couple to occur at his parents house"
I think you may want to re-visit the idea that you 'encourage contact.' Strictly limiting the terms on which a parent may interact with their child is not really encouraging, and if he is not abusive or a drug addict or otherwise unfit to be around children there is really no reason why you should be laying out rules like this.
Yes, it is nice to have some things clarified so one can make plans, but 'you may see your daughter X times, at X places' is just a marginally polite version of 'get lost, this isn't your kid.'
If you really want to encourage contact -- which would be in your daughter's best interests; the finances are really, really not at all relevant to how often she sees her father -- drop the '6 visits' stuff, take the high road about the transportation costs and shut up about them, and start sending e-mails to the effect of "We will be in town near you on Tuesday; should we all have dinner together," "I would like to have you and your parents over for Sunday brunch, what weekend works best for you," "I want to enroll her in swimming lessons; would you like to participate in the parent and tot class," etcetera, etcetera, etcetera
You seem oblivious to how difficult this is for him...?
Answer by Allison's mommy
don't let him manipulate you like that keep doing what you are doing.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Orignal From: finally phoned CSA - now he is withholding contact?
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