I met my wife when I lived in Malaysia; we were together for a year when we both moved back to the UK. Our relationship had always been fiery but arguments where always short lived.
We've been together for six years now, married for 3 and have a two year old son. When our son was born my wife's mother died shortly afterwards, this brought about her depression.
She found it very hard to cope with our son and her outlook on life became very negative. She has been on anti-depressants for two years now but recently things have gotten worse.
I managed to persuade her to see a counsellor to discuss her feelings, she said that she told the counsellor that she was angry with her mum for dying when she did and that she resented our son for preventing her going back to Malaysia to see her mum when she was ill and to go to her funeral. Unfortunately she was so upset by this counselling session that she refused to go back.
We have been back to Malaysia a few times over the past few years, spending at least 3 weeks there on each visit, however even when we are back there she isn't happy.
Over the last few months things have got worse; she has become very irrational and believes that my mum and I have been working against her. She thinks that my mum complains to me about not seeing our son enough and that she manipulates me in to getting our son away. This isn't true.
My mum has been my wife's biggest ally through out this whole thing, even though my wife has said some horrible things about and to her. At present my mum and dad see our son once a month maximum. We have even tried to get our son to say with them for a weekend so I can spend some quality time with my wife, but my wife doesn't want this to happen.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago, my wife was becoming really irrational saying horrible things about me and my family. I was very scared and didn't know what to do, I called everyone for advice, doctors, nhs direct etc… I even arranged for my dad to come down and I was going to take my son and run.
But when my dad arrived I realised I couldn't do it, my wife likes my dad so he tried to talk to her, she then, surprisingly, said me and my son could spend a few days at my parents, so we went. Whilst we were away me and my dad received a lot of text messages about how horrible me and my mum are. I was very close to not coming back, but agreed to return our son home and I would go back to my parents for a few days.
Later that week she texted me and said I can come home, mainly because our son keeps asking after me. So I return home and we started to work it out.
The problem is she doesn't want to talk about things and still believes the things that she said about me and my mum are true. So whilst we move on there is always now this tension between us.
To be honest im at the end of my tether, I feel I do a lot. I work all day, I cook for us every night, I don't go out with my friends, I take us out every weekend, I give her money (even though we have a joint account), I clean the house and I spend a lot of time looking after our son.
I want to walk away, although I do love her, I don't think she will ever change or get help. My biggest worry is loosing my son. I've even gone so far to contact solicitors, although only by email to investigate costs.
I think if we went to court I would win custody of our son based on the fact that she has no income, a history of depression and not an English citizen. I don't want it to go this far but I feel like she is leaving me no option. I also worry that if she won custody she would take him out of the country.
Im writing this on the back of another augment over money, I've not been able to give her the monthly money due to issues at work. She said im trying to control her, called me a "C U Next Tuesday" and went to bed.
Not sure if any advice is possible in the situation as no one I've spoken too knows what to do, but if anyone has experience of:
Separating from a non UK citizen wife and child custody
Or
How to deal with depression of a family member.
It would be appreciated.
Thanks
Anon.
Answer by candyman
yes if your not happy leave her
Answer by Luv is an ACT
Her depression should be getting better instead it is getting WORSE , she needs to talk to a doctor and get on some new medication because the one she is on is not helping, THEN she needs to get into church and talk to her pastor about what she is doing, THIS should be enouph for her to start changing her attitude, she needs to get into some of her own hobbies also, maybe go back to school or something.
Don't leave your wife she needs you and her son needs her too. and believe it or not u need her
Answer by A
If she is not willing to follow up on the help you have no other option but to move out and take your son. Not sure how it would work,i suggest you visit a solicitor or CAB for some advice on how to go about it before you do anything. I only say take your son if she is so depressed that she is unable to care for him.
Answer by sparrow
That is complicated, I feel for you. You tried to get her some help but she is not open to it and is not willing to give it a real go.
I think you have to level with her and explain that you are unhappy and can't go on this way. Tell her that real commitment and real change is necessary to keep the three of you together.
Tell her you don't want to go to court and fight for custody, that you'd like to work it out but she has to dedicate herself to getting better.
Answer by Chase R
leave, it sounds like you have done every reasonable thing you can to get things to work out, i think you should move on, your only hurting yourself and your son by staying around her
Answer by Kim W
The counseling now is for you sir. Please get your religious counseling into this. What ever that may be, because you are trying here very hard and I admire you. You are married and have a child, from what i can see you are doing your best and I wish you to continue till your child is 18 at least. Its better for you to make the best of it for your child. Get her into your church ask her to be respectful when talking about your parents because you do not bad mouth her deceased mother! Ask her to step up and be a wife doing her share of the work more often. Tell her you care and love her and insist on family prayer and scripture reading. Again you are a patient man, a loving man, a great father and loving son, I appauld you, God Bless you.
Answer by Denise H
As a sufferer of depression I can tell you its a very lonely and dark place to be. You suffer all kind of delusions and believe that everyone is conspiring against you, apart from the child.
I would ask her to go with you to the GP and tell them of your concerns and see if they can give her some anti depressants, whilst she takes these, she really needs some counselling, either as part of a couple or alone. I think at this stage maybe some marriage guidance would be helpful, especially since you say you still love her.
It might take lots of patience and love on your part, but she can get well from this, given the right medicine and help.
Answer by Tami
I am very sorry for your problems. Dealing with mental illness can be very difficult. It sounds like your wife is suffering from breakdown. She may need to be committed. Try to get her to go of her own accord but remember she can also leave at any time as well. Remember no matter how much you may love her, your son has to be your first priority - is she a danger to your son - don't close your eyes to this. There are many mental diseases that show themselves later in life and can be controlled with medications - the problem is not be swept under the carpet.
If the first psychiatrist doesn't work, try another.
Good luck
Answer by janet
well her being like this i would say leave but then when you leave her she will become even more depressed and you know that she has to see her son at some point so leaving would be good but i'm pretty sure it would make her more depressed just try to talk to her and things like that to make her feel better
Answer by Mi$ $ DeJa
i recommend the therapist again...but not just for her...but for the two of u....see a shrink together...the professionals can help...tell her how she making u feel and that u love her and want to fix the problem etc...
the bitterness over the mum passing away and not being able to make it to funeral can be tough on any lady...have a rememberance gathering with her family, next time ur in malaysia...she mite appreciate that...
goodluck
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